I’m taking weekend classes this month on film production. Â This weekend was all about scriptwriting. Â I had a good time, though have kind of mixed feelings about what I learned.
As part of the class, we had a short time to write a script. Â I put together the following in about half an hour. Â I doubt I’ll ever do anything with it, so I hereby offer it to the Internet.
It’s called “The Stapler.”
INT. AN OFFICE - DAY
ROGER, a young man wearing a shirt and tie, is sitting at a
desk in an open-office typing on a computer. TINA, young and
pretty, comes up to the desk.
TINA
I need to use your stapler.
Tina reaches for the stapler on Roger's desk. Roger snatches
it away before she can get it.
ROGER
That's my stapler.
TINA
I know it's your stapler. I need
to borrow it.
ROGER
I'm going to need it later.
TINA
I only need it for a minute. The
stapler in the copier is broken, so
I need it to staple my DS-22's.
ROGER
I know the copier is broken.
That's why I'm going to need it. I
have my own DS-22's to do.
TINA
I'll bring it right back.
ROGER
Wait a minute. You mean you want
to take it with you?
TINA
Well, yes.
ROGER
There's no way that's going to
happen.
TINA
I'll bring it back in a minute.
ROGER
Look, you're a nice person. I like
you. But Cindy Benson is a nice
person too. Last August she
borrowed my stapler.
Just for a minute. And she never
brought it back.
TINA
I'm not Cindy Benson.
ROGER
She borrowed my highlighter too.
TINA
I don't need a highlighter.
ROGER
That's not the point. It took me
three months before I got another
highlighter. I had to fill out a T
49 to get the new highlighter. In
triplicate. With a letter cosigned
by my superior explaining what
happened to my highlighter. Which
needed to be stapled to the T-49's.
Which I couldn't do because I
didn't have a stapler because Cindy
Benson never brought mine back.
TINA
I don't need a highlighter!
ROGER
You can't take my stapler.
TINA
Suppose I brought over my DS-22's
and stapled them here.
ROGER
I suppose that might work.
TINA
Well thank God.
ROGER
You'll have to bring staples,
though.
TINA
What?
ROGER
I don't want to run out of staples
when I do my DS-22's. I only have
18 staples left, and I'm going to
need 7 of them for my DS-22's.
TINA
Who the hell counts their staples?
ROGER
I do. So you'll have to bring your
own.
TINA
Look, I have only ten DS-22's. So
between my ten and your seven,
we're good.
ROGER
What if a staple breaks?
TINA
What?
ROGER
What happens if a staple breaks. I
may need two staples for one of my
DS-22's.
TINA
You have a spare.
ROGER
What happens if the stapler jams?
TINA
What if it does?
ROGER
Whenever my stapler jams, it ruins
three staples. If I let you staple
your DS-22's and the stapler jams,
then I won't have enough staples
for mine.
Tina glares at Roger, then grabs at the stapler. Roger grabs
it back.
TINA
I need your stapler!
ROGER
That's my stapler!
The two wrestle with the stapler. After a tussle, the
stapler breaks.
TINA
Look what you did!
ROGER
That was my stapler! Now neither
of us will get our DS-22's in on
time!
Tina brushes her clothes off.
TINA
That's okay. I hear Cindy Benson
has a stapler. I'll just borrow
hers.
TINA walks off as Roger stares at her.